Assets at Christmas

So, it's Christmas again....I know people struggle with the fact that I always hate this time of year, but I do.

December 1, 2017 started with me having -$4.95 cents in my bank account.

It's now December 8, and I now have $15.27 in my bank account, because I got paid today. I won't be paid for another two weeks.

For the first time ever, I've had to tell my son there are no Christmas gifts this year.

He's 20 now. Not a child anymore, but a man.

He tells me that it's ok. But deep in my heart I know that it's not.

So, just to scramble to find food for the rest of this month, I am looking at those gift cards that I have in my wallet. Five dollars here, $1.36 there.

I am lucky, I guess. I know of women with younger children who are doing unthinkable and unspeakable things on the streets to their minds, thoughts, and bodies to provide a Christmas to their child/ren.

I know that Christmas is not, and should not, be about presents under the tree.

It's about the birth of Christ our Savior.

So, I try to find hope, and strength, and life in that.

Credit

Who, really, wants to talk about, let alone think about their credit?

Certainly not I.

But in today's society, credit is a must have.

On this session of my Savings Circles program I learned that credit can be unsecured or secured.

Unsecured being: You do not have to offer any security (deposit or collateral) before you can use this type of credit. Examples being credit cards and store credit cards.

Secured being: You must offer some security or collateral before you can access this type of credit. Mortgages, utilities being examples of these.

So, why would you need credit? Well, for examples, credit can be used for:

1.  Investing
2. Buying now and paying later.
3. Large purchases, e.g. car, education.
4. Shopping online.

If not used responsibly it can effect debt build up, high interest rates and service charges, risk of bad credit, bankruptcy, and personal and/or relationship stress.

What is the importance of credit?

It's an asset! Some employers, landlords, utility companies need proof that you have a good credit rating.

A credit report sums up your credit history and is included in the calculation of your credit score.

The biggest thing that many people don't know are the credit history situations. THIS IS IMPORTANT TO NOTE.

• Too many applications - EVERY TIME you apply for a loan, credit card or store card, you fill out an application form. The company then forwards your information to the credit bureau and they update your file as an inquiry. if you have too many inquiries on your file, you may look desperate for credit and be considered a credit risk.

• Pre-approved credit - Even if a credit card application sent to you in the mail suggests that you have been pre-approved, DO NOT take that for granted. A credit check WILL be done if you complete and send in the application form.

• High debt capacity - EACH time you are accepted for credit, you increase your potential to carry debt. A large capacity for debt could mean that you may be declined credit when you REALLY need it.

Think about your minimum payments.

If you owe $1,000.00 on your credit card. And you have an interest rate of 21% on the card, and ONLY made your minimum payments each month. The interest you would pay is $1,104.63, the total you would pay is $2, 104.63, and it would take you 11 years and 6 months to pay that off!!

Steer clear of high-cost credit places such as CitiFinancial.

Also stay away from payday loans. This is a trap into a cycle of debt where you are always running out of money before your next cheque arrives.

There is a part two to this story, which will come later this week, I just wanted to focus on the main basics for now.

Credit Canada has a great credit calculator at:  https://www.creditcanada.com/debt-calculator?gclid=CjwKCAiAxarQBRAmEiwA6YcGKET4IhV270-hRsFzmWjNLE0Dkt84t14ENsvoAULo_SFwFg8f11B-nhoChJ0QAvD_BwE

If you would like to know more about Momentum Calgary and the programs and services it offers, please visit: http://www.momentum.org/

Assets

In my second class of Savings Circles at Momentum Calgary we looked at assets.

What is an asset?

Assets are typically looked at as having ownership of something worth value. Typically a car, a home, a farm.

Here we looked at it in multiple levels. Finances, connections, sense of self, basic needs and services, and skills and knowledge.

We discussed where we wanted our lives to be in two years from now. Where did we want to live, what kind of work to do, what did you want your social life to look like, what goals did you want to achieve, what are your passion?

My goal on the Skills and Knowledge sector was wanting to learn American Sign Language, and setting up S.M.A.R.T goals to get started on that.

The acronym S.M.A.R.T being, is it:

1. Specific
2. Measurable
3. Attainable
4. Relevant
5. Timely

The next was my sense of self. What qualities did I want to have, what was unique about me.

I am:

1. Friendly
2. Funny
3. Ambitious
4. Honest
5. Resilient

What are my connections with other people? Do I have a close circle of friends and relationshiops that help me achieve my goals? Are there organizations or communities that I can be a part of that will help me do that?

Next we looked at Basic Needs and Services. Do I have housing, reliable transportation, access to information I might need to help me make decisions, etc.

My Basic Needs and Services were:

1. Chronic pain centre
2. Shelter
3. Transit
4. Employment
5. Library
6. Community Resource Centre

The next was finances. Do I have income? If so, where from? So I listed them and came up with some surprising items that I never would have put on my list before. I found:

1. Employment
2. Alberta Works
3. Tax Free Savings Account
4. Piggy Bank (spare change)
5. Gift cards
6. Pop bottles

Then I looked at the challenges part of my life. What do I need to work on now to start achieving what I want my goal to be in two years?

These were huge skills to work on, and a very important one to look at in this program.

Budgeting

My first class at Momentum was Budgeting. Probably the best class to have, at the very beginning of my savings circles program.

I learned about what kind of relationship I had with money. Good, bad? When I hear the word "money" I think of it as bills and trouble. When I hear the word "budget", I think of restrictions placed on me. I never really learned about money from my parents, they didn't feel it was necessary to concern us children with money.

I've always paid my bills first and that's really the only things that I have "managed" my money. My biggest fear about money is that I might become homeless.

So, I began with learning that, and figuring out where I spent my last 10 purchases. Which were really luxuries for the most part. Pens, pencil crayons, coffee. But I also spent it on rent and a bus pass and a pill organizer for my medications.

I learned about my needs, and my wants, what my spending habits were, and then I added it all up. Those teeny, tiny purchases, add up to a lot!

So then I worked on a budget planner, but this still continues to be a struggle for me until this day.

This month, my income was $361.00 from Alberta Works.

Plus the $124.34 I make every two weeks from employment.

That makes $609.68 for the month of October.

So my bills were:

Loan Payment: $64.94

Enmax: $63.56

Shaw: $73.50

Credit card: $110.00

Bus Pass: $5.05

Monthly bank fee: $14.95

I was already withdrawn in my bank account by the time my Alberta Works cheque came in. So I was unable to make my rent for the month of October. I am now making payments to catch up on that.

I have to say, budgeting is not easy for someone with a low-income. There is no money to save, or spread.

Although, I try my best and save my change.

At the end of this year, my loan payment will be paid in full, and I'll be able to concentrate on paying off my student loan.

I'm glad that I learned my relationship with money and this budgeting piece.

It gives me better insight, on where to distribute my money on a monthly basis.

Healthy foods are yucky foods

Ugh.....So, I have good news and bad news for you. I will give you the bad news first, so we can end on a positive note.

I just came from my Nutrition Essentials course at the Chronic Pain Centre, and I was disgusted and disheartened to learn the truth about "healthy" food.

We all know that Trans Fat is bad for you, otherwise known as hydrogenated. This is my emoji for this: 😨

Saturated fat is considered ok fats: Emoji = 😐

Unsaturated fat is considered good for you, but not ALL

For instance, polyunsaturated fat or PUFA's contain Omega's 3's and Omega 6's.

OMEGA 6's are BAD for you!!

Omega 6 is mostly used in processed foods.

WHAT contains Omega 6's?

1. Soybean Oil
2. Vegetable Oil
3. Sunflower Oil

Here's the kicker!! The FIRST ingredient in Great Value ranch dressing, is Soybean Oil!!

So, Here's another kicker. A pumpkin cake from Community Natural Foods contains:

Dum, dum, dum,

420 Calories        
19 Grams of Fat (4 and a half teaspoons)         
26 Grams of Sugar (6 and a half teaspoons)

A Raisin Bran from Tim Horton's contains:

307 calories!
12 Grams of fat (3 teaspoons)
36 Grams of sugar (9 teaspoons)

AND it's cooked in SUNFLOWER OIL!! OMEGA 6!!

Guess what???

A Boston Cream from Tim Horton's contains:

220 calories!
6 Grams of fat (1 and a half teaspoons) AND
15 Grams of sugar (3 and a half teaspoons)

HUH!!!

Knowledge is power!! Don't let them fool you!!

READ THE INGREDIENTS!!

Savings Circles

So last night I graduated from a six month course called the Savings Circles program at Momentum Calgary.

I was part of a fantastic group of people while I "earned while I learned".

There were many groups that I took part in and learned from. Some included:

1. Budgeting
2. Banking
3. Credit
4. Assets
5. Consumerism
6. Home Ownership
7. Debt Management
8. Retirement.

This was a matched savings program. So while I opened a Tax Free Savings Account in March and put $50 into my bank account, Momentum matched this by three times. 

I graduated last night just shy of $1300 dollars.

How will this help me in the future?

1. With this savings I can now purchase a new laptop. (My old one kicked the bucket two weeks ago) This means that I can continue blogging, continue volunteering for Poverty Talks! and focus on writing and publishing my book.
2. I now know that how little money I have, I will always have some money to put aside to deposit into my savings account.
3. I know what programs and services are available to me and others when I retire.
4. I know how to manage my debt now.
5. I know how retail companies and big consumer companies work now, and I no longer buy into the mind games that they play with people.

One gentleman said at last nights speech, that it not only taught him about financial empowerment, but the most important thing that he took out of it was that he was more confident. 

Now isn't THAT what Enough for All is all about??

Empowering the people who live in poverty!!

If you would like more information about the Savings Circles program at Momentum you can find it here: http://www.momentum.org/savings-circles

I want to thank United Way of Calgary, Family and Community Support Services, and Prosper Canada for the funding to provide this program to Calgary Citizens. Along with all of the wonderful, supportive staff at Momentum.

If you believe I am in danger

I have been depressed lately. Depressed and withdrawn. It takes all of my strength, and energy to write this to you right now. Because at the same time that I write my safety plan, I also want to take my life.

I know that my friends are worried. I do not want them to worry. I know what to do when I am surrounded by my suicidal ideation. I know that you need to know that I'll be "OK". And "OK" meaning that I have my safety plan, and that I am following through with it. So my family and friends, here is my safety plan, and things for you to know what to do, when I am in crisis.

If you would like more information on the Lifeline Canada, you can find the website here: https://thelifelinecanada.ca/

Here are the warning signs to watch for in me:

TALK

Here are the warning signs to watch for in me:

If I talk about:

1. Having no reason to live.
2. Being a burden to others.
3. Having a plan.
4. Giving things away.
5. If I tell you I love you out of the blue.

Behaviour

Specific things to look for in me:

1. Increased use of alcohol.
2. Searching online for ways to kill myself.
3. Withdrawing from activities.
4. Isolating myself.
5. Not making commitments.
6. Posting suicidal messages.

Mood

I will:

1. Lose interest in people and things.
2. Become irritable.
3. Sleep all the time.

My suicide risk factors:

1. Borderline Personality Disorder.
2. Major depressive episodes.
3. Chronic pain and trouble coping with that pain.
4. Alcohol abuse.
5. Social anxiety disorder.

Environmental Factors:

1. Stressful life events.
2. Prolonged stress factors which may include relationship problems, harassment, past sexual abuse, fear of financial issues.
3. Exposure to another person's suicide. Including the anniversary of friends who have died by suicide.

Historical Factors:

1. Previous suicide attempts.
2. Family history of a completed suicide.

If you see any of these symptoms in me, I give you permission to take positive action to help me out. I may hate you for it, but I will be thankful to you for it.

Before you run to calling professionals for me though, I promise to do the following:

1. I have made a safety plan first aid kit, in this kit includes the following for me:

• A pack of ICE.
• A prayer card.
• Gratitude list.
• Self Talk card.
• Goals list that include short term, and long term goals.
• Support Card which has 1 family member, 1 friend, 1 mentor, 1 pastor, and 1 counsellor or the employment assistance program on it.
• One minute Mindfulness
• Hope Box crescendos from friends.
• Positive notes.
• Band-Aids.
• Self-soothe toolkit.

I am a cutter. I cannot promise not to cut. When I cut I do not cut deep, and I do not cause any internal organ damage. But I do promise to reach for the First Aid kit, before I reach for the knife to cut myself.

What can you do for me when I am in crisis?

1. Send me funny GIPHY'S. If I do not send you one back. I need further help.
2. Don't ask me what I need. I want to isolate. So just come over. Knock on the door and say, Hey, I'm here, you don't need to do anything, but I'm here.
3. Be willing to listen to me if I want to dump all of my yucky suicidal thoughts on you. You're there with me, so, just listen. Don't worry, don't do anything or tell me I need more help. Simply listen.
4. You need to tell me what you can, and cannot handle when I am in crisis.
5. The Police and Crisis Team (PACT) Unit in Calgary is more help to me than the City of Calgary police department. If you believe I am in immediate danger, please call them on mine, and your behalf.

We can even set up what Jacob Moore calls an "If-Then Plan" to help navigate specific situations. If for instance you don't hear back from me after 12 hours, then you have my permission to call again. Because here's the thing: Despite your best intentions, I will likely do my awful best to impede your efforts. I'm not "attention seeking" or looking to "guilt trip you", what you have to remember is that these behaviors, should they occur, are contrary to my true nature, and my disease has taken over. I do appreciate your help despite how I may act in the moment. You can find Jacob Moores blog here: http://www.legacy.com/news/advice-and-support/article/my-un-suicide-note 

If I still do not want your help, I give you permission to send me this blog and remind me of my promise to you.

My friend and mentor wrote me this, titled: More. To remind me that I am more.

You are more than all the things you've done

or the body you've sold or cut;

More than all this,

aging skin or raging sin;

That wraps around your bones like dirt,

amid the fallen stars and wreckage;

Come

You are fire

You are sky

You are Mata Hari

The eye of the day

Look

The world is perfect,

and you are in it;

Stay

You precious speck

of glittering dust,

and Shine.

Because, I am MORE. More than my depression, more than the thoughts, beliefs, and values I carry about myself in those horrible times. I believe them, they are true to me, and I cannot think past the fact, that my death, would be best for everyone in my life, and everyone who has yet to meet me.

Low-Income Transit Pass

After being DM'd by the lovely Annalise Klingbeil shockingly and abruptly in her classic style form, she informed me she had numbers of the amount of people who have accessed the sliding scale low-income transit pass since Calgary City Council approved it last year, and started in April of this year.

The numbers are absolutely shocking and astounding. It shows that 37,472 people purchased the $5.05 monthly pass in the first three months of the program. There were 69, 764 passes bought among the three different low-income pass levels, compared to the same time last year, was 56, 173.

If you are like me and horrible at math, that's an extra 13, 299 people who have accessed the sliding scale bus pass more than there were last year on the old subsidy pass.

There are 3 levels of the passes and tiers that people are on depending on their income level. You can find that on the City of Calgary site here: http://calgary.ca/CSPS/CNS/Pages/Neighbourhood-Services/sliding-scale-fare-changes.aspx

There are things to take into consideration with the transit pass though.

1. Many people who could qualify for not only the low-income transit pass, but also the low-income recreation fee, cannot qualify because they live at home with parents. I am aware of 30-year-olds who work full time in minimum wage jobs, or cannot work due to health issues, who do not qualify and miss out on opportunities because it's to expensive for them to live outside of the home, and total household income is taken into account when applying.
2. When the low-income transit pass came into effect, people who were on Alberta Works had their extra money they were getting to account for the new transit pass. As an example, I used to get $44 a month for my transit fare, I now get $5.05. I do not save any money, or get any extra money for groceries on this.

The biggest and most important things are:

1. As it says in the Calgary Herald article, families are now able to travel together. They can now afford multiple transit passes and can GO places together now! THAT is a beautiful and wonderful thing!
2. When my Poverty Talks! lady TracyRay Lewis does peer advocacy, she is more likely to stay connected with the peers she problem solves with because they can afford to go an see her. The price of the entire lowest cost pass is less than one trip to and from where her workplace used to be, so peers she tries to advocate for can actually participate in programs, support meetings, and have coffee with peers. Without the low-income rate she would be agoraphobic most of the time and a shut-in. She wouldn't be able to do the Poverty Talks! work, or volunteer at the Alex community food centre, etc. She would be at home having panic attacks because she wouldn't be able to afford to do stuff out of the house.
3. Another Poverty Talks! member Nigel Kirk says a homeless person could pick bottles for a day and get a bus pass, provided they have their taxes done.
4. Susan Gwynn from Poverty Talks! has seen 3 people who would get tickets constantly not have a ticket since April.

In mine, and I believe a lot of peoples opinions though, this is a temporary solution. We would all love to see a Guaranteed Annual Income take place, to REALLY end poverty in Calgary, Alberta, and Canada.

Also, here is the link to the wonderful article from Annalise in the Calgary Herald. Thank You for always seeking out the people who it effects, and hearing and listening to them.

http://calgaryherald.com/news/local-news/theres-a-need-more-than-10000-calgarians-a-month-buying-new-5-05-transit-pass

If I die

Here is the thing, if I die, today, tomorrow, next week, or twenty years from now, I want you to be HAPPY for me.

People are devastated when a suicide takes place, and I don't understand why? Can people not see that the person is longer in pain and is no longer suffering?

Think of it as a chronic illness like cancer. An incurable illness. People are normally relieved when their loved one goes from this, because they are suffering no more.

I believe that heaven is a peaceful place, and I'll be surrounded by those loved ones who have gone before me, and will be re-united with those who go after me.

"Go rest high on that mountain" is one of the songs I have chosen for my funeral. Have a listen, it IS beautiful. Vince Gill, you sing it well: https://youtu.be/6jXrmAKBBTU

Smile, drink, make a toast, and love the ones you love. Remember me, but don't be sad for me.

I'll be resting high on that mountain.

Safety Plan

I feel the need to write and set out a new safety plan for myself. But, because my friends have been struggling with how to be helpful to me while I'm in crisis, I also feel the need to write this blog and help them, help me effectively, when I'm in crisis.

So:

ICE is the most effective tool for me when I'm in the most extreme point of my crisis and can no longer think clearly.

Calling a distress center or suicide crisis line is NOT helpful for me, for many reasons, the following the most important:

1. The distress center has a certain criteria of questions they have to assess your immediate risk of suicide. I am ALWAYS on the list of CALL CPS RIGHT NOW.
2. The distress center are strangers. People I do not know. When I am in crisis I NEED to know that my friends are there, that I am not abandoned, and that I am loved no matter what state of mind I am in at the moment.
3. I am normally never helped by the distress center. In actual reality, they end up pissing me off more, and I hang up on them angry and frustrated, which of course, leads to them calling the police when it is not needed.

So, friends, here is what is helpful to me after the ICE.

1. Ask me if I want to hang out some time and set a date and a time. I am a woman of my word, if I plan to take my life, I will NOT commit to anything.
2. Send me a funny GIPHY, so I can laugh. If I am able to send you one back, I'm doing pretty good.
3. Ask me what I need. "Do you want me to come over?" "Can I just sit here with you?" Or, TELL me you are coming over. Half the time I won't say, "Yes, please come over." just tell me that you are.
4. The BIGGEST one, "I'm here to listen, and I won't leave you."

Perhaps, my friends can also have some input in here. As, they also know how to be successful in engaging with me when I am in this state of mind.

This is me, my safety plan for my friends. It IS different for everyone. So ask your friends this question:

1. "What do you need from me, and how can I be most successful to you, when you are in a state of crisis?"

City of Calgary Neighborhood Services Surveys

So, after a lot of anger and sadness, and frustration, I've decided to write this blog in a very constructive matter.

Recently my City of Calgary Neighborhood social worker did a community survey, one of the topics that came up was the necessity of basic needs (food), that people in our community seem to lack.

So they did the survey, the concluded that this was an issue, and they made a plan to "solve" the issue of food insecurity.

What was the answer to "solving" food insecurity to them?

To bring in a food bank to our South West community.

Now, I'm no expert, but:

1. Food banks have never solved food insecurity in the past.
2. Would you not ask the next question as to: "WHY is food insecurity an issue for you? AND
3. What would YOU like to see brought in to the community to help to bring you food security?

When I asked the community social worker if the last two questions had been asked to the community, the answer was no.

According to the City of Calgary's Enough for All strategy, reducing the usage of food banks is a goal to the city, and from my understanding, City of Calgary Neighborhood social workers are supposed to be working on these goals.

My City of Calgary social worker also asked me to join the conversation of this at their next meeting. As she thought my voice and opinion would be valuable in it.

So ... I went to the meeting. I asked the questions about how bringing the food bank would:

1. Bring food security to the community.
2. How the food bank brings dignity to people who use them, AND
3. If they have discussed this on a deeper community level with people.

Needless to say, I was dismissed. At least, I felt dismissed. I felt unheard, dismissed, disregarded, and like my thoughts, ideas, views were invalid and stupid.

The location of the food bank was also decided upon by these agencies, with absolutely no consultation with the people who live in that community.

So, yeah. I am more than a little disappointed with the City of Calgary Neighborhood services, and the agencies they partnered with on this.

I'm also a little ticked at the house in my neighborhood, where the girls who live in it are supposed to be actively engaged in the community, and I have not seen or heard from them at all.

And the Calgary Housing support worker I have, as she does not seem to support me anymore either.

So Calgary, Thank You. Thank You for not supporting me, listening to me, making me feel validated, or important, or a strong member of my neighborhood, or that I belong for that matter.

Perhaps, maybe, in the future you could:

1. Listen to the people who live in the community.
2. Dig deeper into the issue instead of thinking you can "solve" our problems for us.
3. Actually listen to me and others, validate us, and making us feel like we matter.

AND

4. Treat us like WE ARE the experts of our OWN lives!

Business in Homelessness

So I have had many discussions with quite a few people lately on the subject of organizations treating homelessness as a business.

Without naming names, one homeless shelter in Calgary boasts about being the biggest homeless shelter in Western Canada, and perhaps Canada itself.

What is there to brag about, is what I want to know?

Should you not be boasting about being the largest homeless shelter to HOUSE people in Western Canada??? Now THAT is something to be proud of!!

And Oil and Gas companies, not-for-profit organizations, and wealthy donors, honestly believe they are helping people!!

How many of these volunteers, and donors, actually sit down with the clientele, and ask them if they're funding is TRULY, making a difference in that persons life?

Too me, it's a money making scheme. And it certainly does not help those people in that shelter. They are given a bed, with the donors name on a wonderful plaque, so that you, the person who is staying there for the night, has a reminder of who they should be "grateful" to.

Well, they are grateful. For a bed, so that they do not die on freezing streets at night. But I bet you any kind of money (I don't have any, by the way), that they would be more grateful to be in their own place, with their own shower, to be able to cook their own food, and have their dignity back.

So, before you, or your corporation, or not-for-profit agency, or as an individual, decide to donate your money to these kinds of "businesses", first ask yourself, how can my money go towards a better cause? Am I REALLY making a difference for people who are homeless? Am I doing it just to feel good, and get recognition for it, or do I want to make a difference, a real difference in someones life?

Should we NOT be putting the businesses out of business? Create jobs for the staff who are working there to support people who are at risk of homelessness, by placing them as housing supports?

Choose wisely. Please choose kindness, Empathy, and respect, by creating a real difference to people.

The Shock of Poverty

It's like an electrical prod, always sticking you. Making you do things you don't want to do.

I might as well be a herd of cattle, and you brand me with that hot iron brander.

As #Canada150 approaches, I have been shocked back into reality. Canada is not a "great nation". I am reminded of all of the faults our country has been, is, and possibly will be in the future.

My first week of school at The Canadian Poverty Institute was Shock Poverty, and boy, was it an emotional roller coaster. And for someone like me, with Borderline Personality Disorder, probably more so.

The highlights of it:

The Role of Language and Story. To better understand poverty, you must understand three aspects of language: registers of language, discourse patterns, and story structure.

I learned that every language in the world has five registers being:

1. Frozen
2. Formal
3. Consultative
4. Casual
5. Intimate

Formal register is not used at home in families who are poor. And it is used in schools, middle-class, social services, and politics. If people do not understand formal register, it is hard for them to communicate with people and situations that do.

Therefore: Acquisition is the best and most natural way to learn a language. This can only occur when there is a significant relationship. 

There are also "hidden rules" among classes of poverty, middle class, and wealth. For instance, humor to someone in poverty is generally around people and sex, where as a someone who lives in wealth they find humor in and about social faux pas.

The biggest thing I learned about all of this, is the language. And I need to learn formal register and others need to learn "street language". 

I knew this, as I had a "street name" when I was a teenage run away, it was Star. Yes, Star.

Like, when you wish upon a star, makes no difference where you are!

Like Star, who was half vampire in "The Lost Boys". 

I am so thankful that I was able to take this course at The Canadian Poverty Institute. If you would like to know more about this course you can find the courses here: https://ambrose.edu/poverty-studies-summer-institute

Derek Cook, the Director at The Canadian Poverty Institute taught the Shock Poverty course. And I am very thankful that he used plain language in this course, as it gave me a better opportunity to understand the material.

The course was unique, as it brought people with lived experience, students, and community workers together, to work collaboratively in a safe and comfortable setting.

Bad Day in Calgary

Normally, I love my city. I believe people care about others and vice versa.

Today was NOT, I repeat NOT one of those days!

I went to Forest Lawn for an event.

On the Number 1 Forest Lawn bus, another passenger was harassing two other passengers on the bus. The driver had said something to the passenger, but I felt the need to protect and stand up for these citizens, and place myself in the middle of the two.

For a while, everything was good. I got together with some friends, and one of them offered me their poncho to get home warm.

And while walking to my 112 bus stop, on the corner of 3rd Street and 6 Avenue. I see this man throw a chair at another man in the street. I yell at them and tell them to knock it off, and remove the chair from in front of a vehicle.

They depart for a brief moment, and this guy with no shirt on, jumps the fellow who threw the chair, and wraps a chord around his neck in the middle of the street.

Who jumps in? Not the 20 men who are standing there watching it.

Me. Skinny, weak, little me.

Jumps into the middle of the street and unwraps the chord from the man's neck while on the phone with Calgary Police Service.

I'm traumatized. I'm concerned. I am now afraid.

Thanks Calgarians. So glad to know you have my back.

Human Rights = PhD

You see....I sat in class, understanding the morning. It was interactive, fun, enthralling to learn in this setting.

And then....

Yes, then I was reminded of why I don't return to school. Because here was this amazingly brilliant person teaching me in a language I did not understand. Terminology that made no sense to me.

You see....

I am what Tito has said in his spoken word poetry, "I have my degree in street knowledge." I am a FEELER, I understand the HUMAN side, the EMOTIONAL side, the LIVED side of it all.

This lady is speaking Chinese in a world where I speak English. Where I speak human language, not legal terms. How do I possibly make sense of all of this?

So I sit on my couch and feel stupider and stupider. I had to walk out of class a few times today. To just go out and breeaaattthhhh, because I was on the verge of tears in the classroom.

I was....

In grade nine all over again. In math class and the math was just NOT adding up. So I flee. I can't breath and I run for my life because to quit is safer than sitting there and not understanding, feeling stupid and worthless.

The teacher...

Sees me, but doesn't. She does not see the terror on my face, the sadness in my eyes. I feel rejected and abandoned by the education system all over again.

So...

I grab the book that was lent to me today, "The Broken Way" by Ann Voskamp, and I continue reading what I started earlier today. And then page 31 hits me in the head like a hammer. "In His last hours, in His abandonment, Jesus doesn't look for comfort or try to shield Himself against the rejection; He breaks the temptation to self-protect - and gives the vulnerability of Himself. In the sharp edge of grief, Jesus doesn't look for something to fill the broken and alone places; He takes and gives thanks."

And now.....

Tomorrow, I need to get up and go to class. I need to break the temptation to self-protect and leave myself vulnerable. I need to try again. I can't drink tonight or cut, to try to fill the broken pieces of me. I need to take what I can from this, and give thanks.

Shock Poverty

My Experience in Shock Poverty

When I started the Shock Poverty course at Ambrose University run by the Canadian Poverty Institute, I expected to learn what was provided in the Syllabus given to us. 

Which was to learn the global and personal lenses of poverty, what leads to each, and how they impact each other. To understand poverty as both a justice and economic issue, and to discover a Christian response to poverty, among many others.

Our class was unique, for the first time ever I learned at the end of class, as it was made up of people in the social work sector field, students, and people with lived experience of poverty.

What I did NOT expect to learn, was how poverty has affected me, in so many more ways, other than just financial burdens on every day life.

I learned that poverty itself, is a stressor. The more I live in poverty, the more it stresses me out and it effects my social, spiritual, economic, and health. All aspects for a good well-being to life.

I learned that I have a different language, than people who live in middle-class society. This makes it more difficult for me to associate with people who live in middle-class, and to feel comfortable making friends and walking up to people in middle-class.

In the textbook Bridges out of Poverty by Ruby K. Payne, PhD, Philip E. DeVol, and Terie Dreussi Smith, Chapter three we learn there are hidden rules among classes of people. These include:

1. Money
2. Personality
3. Social Emphasis
4. Food
5. Clothing
6. Time
7. Education
8. Destiny
9. Language
10. Family Structure
11. World View
12. Love
13. Driving Forces
14. Humor

It also helped me in my community work profoundly on poverty reduction in Calgary. I know now, the steps to take, to build trust, which will in turn build resiliency, which will lead to an abundant community, Derek Cook put the acronym beautifully, which means ART.

I want to thank Derek profusely, for being a fantastic instructor. My biggest fear in beginning this class was that the terminology would be all academic, which would lead to me not understanding the material, feeling stupid, getting frustrated, and walking out. Instead, it was both academically lead while using plain language so that I did not feel those emotions to get frustrated and quit.

I also want to thank Ambrose University for having me on the campus. All of the faculty and staff were open, welcoming, and kind.

As well as the funders, who allowed me the opportunity to take this course. Without the funding for this, I would never have the chance to take part in this. A very heartfelt Thank You.

I am also, proud to say, that I have the fortunate opportunity to carry on next week, on learning about Dignity and Poverty.

#AAS17

So, while I sit on my couch for 3 days following the #AAS17 conference, tweeting, and retweeting, I forget to do, what everyone that is at that conference is there for; Suicide Prevention.

As someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, I need a routine, and I need to look after my P.L.E.A.S.E skills so that I don't fall into the suicidal or self harm thoughts. Potato chips, cigarettes, and coffee, just doesn't cut it.

I joined watching the conference for a number of reasons:

1. I work with a group on poverty reduction in my city. I truly believe that poverty and suicide have a connection. In the same way that it does for crime and addiction. I need to watch to find out how I can do this in my city.
2. I follow @officialbpdchat on twitter. This is the group of people I can connect with online to share how we are using our DBT Skills together. What works, what doesn't. 
3. I also follow @SPSMChat these folks have made a powerful online influence on me. And I wanted to support these folks, as best as I could where I am.

What I did not expect to take away from this conference:

1. A free online course to learn how to reduce suicide in my own city. I found this at http://training.sprc.org/ 
2. I forgot that it DOES NOT need to get to hospital visits, or an actual attempt. Suicide prevention comes right at home, in your community, at work. Just don't be a fucken asshole. Thank You, Bart Andrews for reminding me of this.
3. That MY voice matters too. That Lived Experience has a role to play in this, and clinicians, researchers, psychiatrists, and crisis centers need to remember this. And so do I.
4. That Crisis Text Line is coming to Canada!!! WOW!!! FANTASTIC news!!

Thank You, http://www.suicidology.org for bringing this conference. And for letting me be a part of it #spsm .

Everyone who attended are amazing and rockstars and I now have my faith restored that people are working on changing things, to do better. For people like me.

I can't say that I'm "fixed". I struggle. People like Bart, and April, can't help me when I'm in crisis, and suicidal. When I reach out to them for help, they gently remind me that they can't do that. And direct me to use the appropriate resources in my area.

Thanks to people like Carl, I am able to talk, be down right honest. And a time or two, he has saved my life. By being there for me.

Thank You to the #SoMe team, for allowing me to take part of this, as far away from Calgary, Alberta, Canada.

Mad respect for all of you. I'm blown away. And proud to be a small part of this from afar.

Savings Circles - Asset

So I started this Savings Circles program at: http://www.momentum.org/  My first class was on budgeting, my second class, on assets.

We started with, what is an asset? OK, I can do this, I know what this is, in terms of finances.

Then we turn the page and the next question is, "While I'm reading this story, I want you to start drawing."

What is on the page? It's my life, in two years......

The instructor tells the story and I start thinking about teaching DBT skills in schools, owning a truck one day, living in a home, swimming, and then I remember.....

I've been here before, and I've dreamt this before, and I've accomplished my goals before, and been where I've wanted to be in my life before, and it all crashed and burned on me. Just like my goals and dreams always have done before.

WHY AM I DOING THIS AGAIN!!!??? I'LL JUST LOSE IT ALL AGAIN!!!

Tears begin to stream down my face and I get up and leave the room to go to the washroom. I recover my composure and go back to the classroom.

We talks about five asset areas:

1. Finances
2. Connections
3. Skills and Knowledge
4. Basic Needs and Services
5. Sense of Self

I set goals and look at what I need to work on in these areas.

1.  My Sense of Self. (Always a struggle for me)
2. Basic Needs (Definitely an every day struggle)
3. Finances 

Now I need to go and make S.M.A.R.T Goals for these.

Suicide effects 6+

It was Monday, April 19, 1993 when my mom and I were sitting and watching the evening 6 o'clock news. It was around that time that the phone rang, my mom picked up, and I heard the change in her voice.

It was the day that I learned my cousin shot herself. She left behind three teenage children, and a husband.

To say that suicide affects only six people, is absolutely false. I had attempted suicide, and saw my cousin not long before she took her life. I blamed myself for a while for not seeing the signs, but how could I? I lived in Alberta, and she in Saskatchewan. She was a mother and wife, and I was an 18-year-old spending time with her daughters, not her.

I saw the effects the family went through afterwards. The broken relationships that went on. It was a devastating and long-lasting effect, that continues on until today.

Her children never got their mom to be their at their weddings, the birth of their children, to be by their side for the joys and failures.

But I can't speak to what they went through, for I am not them. I can speak to the effect this had on me. It cost me a relationship with one of my cousins, it costs me when I think that suicide might actually be an option for me.

Her suicide, affected 3 children, a husband, sisters, parents, grand-parents, cousins, and grand-children, and many more. So to say that suicide effects six, is a bunch of statistical false bullshit if you ask me.

Until this day, my cousins cannot speak of her death, and the circumstances that surrounded it.

I write this today, because this is what is on my mind lately. I have had another suicide in my life, of a dear friend. Unfortunately, I was unable to attend the funeral of dear Michaela, I found out of her suicide long after she was buried and remembered. I had to grieve her death alone, and find some way to come to terms with it.

That is also, something I am struggling to do.

Please remember there IS help out there. And if you are planning to take your life, there are MANY people who would be affected by your death. People, you never even thought cared.

You can get help in Canada at: http://thelifelinecanada.ca/ 

 In U.S. at: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

 If you're part of transgender community: https://www.translifeline.org/

Crisis Text for U.S. and Canada: http://www.crisistextline.org/

LGBTQ youth: http://www.thetrevorproject.org/

Calgary Food Bank

Do we still need the Food Bank?

This is the question I haggle with. Is the food bank necessary anymore? The question came up again the last two weeks, as I had to go there.

1. It took me over a week to try to get through to the food bank. Therefore, I had to go for a week without food. Or would have, if I did not have food in my cupboard. But I couldn't eat that food anymore as it contained gluten in it. So I had to clean it all out, and replace it with expensive gluten-free food as I've been recently diagnosed with celiac disease. So, I spent a week damaging my villa, and had to suffer with sickness until I could replace it.
2. I finally got through to the food bank, and one of the questions asked was, "What crisis are you having that is making you use the food bank?" Is this question necessary? Is it any of your business? I need food to eat. Plain and simple. 
3. I had to find a ride to get to the food bank. Therefore, having to ask a friend, to drive me and admitting to someone that I need the use of the food bank. My shame and embarrassment go up, and my dignity goes down. Why is the food bank located in such a horrible location? 
4. I had a great experience, the people were friendly and helpful. But unfortunately very uneducated on gluten-free items. I was offered bread, cakes, french fries, and other gluten containing items.
5. The gentleman at the end of the line, when I was packing my cart up was rude. As I was loading my cart I tried to go through the items that contained gluten in them so that I could return it and give it to someone who could use it. Instead I got from the gentleman, "Take your time, it's not like others aren't waiting." Instead of perhaps, "Could you go through the material over here? This would make it easier for us please."

I am grateful for the service I got, the volunteers that were there, and the hard work that people put into this, but, I think we CAN and SHOULD do better. How about.....

1. Instead of a warehouse, and food, gift cards are given to people? So they can shop for the groceries that they WILL eat, and KNOW what to do with?
2. Food that is going to be donated from stores to the food bank, designate an area of their store for "free food". This way, things don't expire as soon as people get it from the food bank, and people can access it in their own community.
3. Also, it took me a week to get through on the telephone. It's 2017! Why is there not a website to order food from?
4. The question, "Why do you need food" should be taken out. You should not have to justify why you're asking for food. I personally, would rather go down the street and support my local grocery store, and shop for food that I will use and know how to cook.

Honestly, I don't know what else to do, to NOT have a food bank. I know that it's necessary, but it can do better through gift cards, not having a food bank, but a smaller office with volunteers to take the phone line. 

I'd love for people to add their thoughts and opinions, but this is coming from a lived experience point of view. So...I'd like suggestions from people with lived experience, and support from those who donate and volunteer of their experiences, and if what they are doing, is REALLY helping, those who live in poverty?

If you are one of those people who need food from the Calgary food bank, you can reach them here: http://www.calgaryfoodbank.com/

On the plus side, they encourage their customers to offer feedback, and that's a great thing. I was pleased to see this on the wall at the food bank.

Not a Victim Part One

As I entered her house I noticed something different. Toys…scattered amongst the living room floor. And her son George, bouncing on the sofa. I am always awestruck by the absolute lovely atmosphere of her home every time I walk into it. But as I get to know her, I am also very aware that she keep the house very neat, because she loves too. So, I was very happy to see, that there was a small mess! Not a Victim went to school, and then went on to College to take an Early Childhood Education, she did her practicum but when she did her practicum she did not like what was going on. She went on to get her Hairstyling license. She went to go work for a production company full-time and always had the belief that if you, “Work hard and work well it will get you to the top.” She admits that it will, but it won’t keep you there when you work in that type of industry. She went on to work full-time in a management position and was very fortunate to be able to travel across the country in this job. She did trouble shooting for stores that were having trouble and worked with them to figure out why they were not profitable and how to help them succeed. When they managed to do well, she would move on to another store. 

She came to Calgary and got married. Stopped working and had two children. She was blindsided after almost a decade of being married and had to take her children and flee for their own safety. She knew she had to leave 2 years before she did but did not think she could and felt stuck. Six months before she left she definitely knew she had to leave but did not know how. Thankfully, an incident happened where she got lucky. A police officer recognized the signs, gave her resources, met with her, supported her, and together they came up with a strategy. She fled one night and went to a shelter. She had to. For her and her kids’ sake and their peace of mind. 

They stayed in two shelters in two months before they were fortunate enough to get into Calgary Housing. It was easy to make friendly acquaintances, and she had many resources available. I ask her “What made it easy?” “The ladies in the community were friendly, helpful, and curious. They would peek over the fence and say Hello and introduce themselves, they’d chat just like they’d known me forever.” There were also lots of children around she says that her kids could play with. She said that being at a shelter they gave you many resources for you to access when you got into a home. So that you’re not left wondering; “What do I do after being a stay at home mom after 10 years?” She had a game plan and was eager to follow it and get back on track for her and her kiddos. She says she was very fortunate for Calgary’s resources to come back with virtually nothing but the clothes on your back and two years later they are doing very well. Considering where they came from and she is really, really thankful to be here and safe. 

“The biggest thing is waking up in the morning and NOT being afraid and her kids NOT being afraid, that’s a REALLY good thing. I never want to lose that feeling of being grateful for little things because it’s no fun when you live in fear, and it’s even worse when your kids live in fear. I have a lot of reasons to be grateful.” 

The biggest thing I see in her, is that she does not have a name. She is a daughter, mother, aunt, sister, niece, etc... She could be YOURS!
 
In part two I will share with you what made #enoughforall in Calgary for Not a Victim and her kids, now 6 and 8.